Setting limits with children is a necessary part of being a parent. After all we can’t simply let our kids do everything that they want. Some things they want to do are unsafe and not good for them. The limits we provide help give kids structure to their lives, socialize, learn good behavior and feel a sense of security that they are being cared for.
Despite the fact that they need them, it is in a child’s nature to push against these limits. Your kids will test you; they have an urge to do what they are not allowed to do. They want to know if “no” really means “no”. They are curious about your reactions when they disobey. My guess is that much of limit-testing is; one part being playful, one part experimentation and another part getting a thrill at the negative attention. Unfortunately if misbehavior becomes defiance parents can easily become involved in full-fledged power struggles.
Setting limits is not easy. Far from black and white, setting rules, structure and limits requires constant creative decision-making. Also, as your kids grow your limits will have to adapt and change. You will no longer need some limits, ease up on others and invent new ones to address new behaviors. As parents you have unique styles for setting limits. They will reflect your values, your upbringing and your expectations for your child’s behavior.
It is worth reflecting on how you set limits and rules. How do you feel doing it? Does one spouse do the heavy-lifting in the family? Do you feel anxiety when your son cries, or throws a tantrum? It is often hard to face a storm of protest, cries, whining and outright refusal. But these limits are important and teach children an important rule of life; that they must learn to regulate their emotions, impulses and desires to learn to live peacefully with those around them.
Here are a few things to consider about setting limits…
– Young children will cry, scream, whine and tantrum sometimes when they don’t get what they want. This is no reason to let up. Stand firm and know your limits are important.
– That being said, try some different tactics to diffuse the tantrum. Is there a way to involve some choice in your limit? “Do you want mom or dad to change your diaper?”
-As children get older you can be more direct with them; you build trust when you let them know your reasons for setting a limit in a way they can understand.
-Think about how you can enforce your limits before you set them. With a young child you can still pick them up and bring them somewhere if they refuse to budge. As they get older (and bigger) you will want to think strategically about your limits. Can you enforce them in the moment? If not you may let them know what consequences will happen later if they do not comply now.
-The more positives you have in your relationship with your child, the easier it will be to set limits. Spending high quality time with your children is the best antidote to power struggles and limit-testing.
-When your child is misbehaving try to “read her mind”: What is going on? Hungry, tired, upset about something? This will help you begin to solve the problem and set the right limits.
-Structure and routines really help. Once your child realizes that brushing teeth happens every day, you may lessen the struggles as he adjusts to the routine.
-Sometimes you state a limit and realize that the fight is not worth it. It is o.k. to give in sometimes (when the limit is not too serious). Your energy is limited, save it for the important ones.
-Is your child beginning to engage in a lot of power struggles? You may want to look for ways to empower him when you are not in struggle mode. Can he be given an important new task to take charge of? When he does well give him good feedback. He may need to know he is powerful in positive ways.
On a Final Note
One definition for mischievous is: “showing a fondness for causing trouble in a playful way”. This is what being a child is all about. Sometimes it is fun to enjoy your child’s mischievous side, even making a game out of it. Though limits are important, there is a wonderful spark in children that wants to push and pull at the rules; this is the same spark that adults use to become highly creative and innovative . I wish you the best of luck with this difficult parenting task.
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