Author Archives: Andrew McGowan, MFT

Parenting the Picky Eater – How To Help Your Child Eat Healthy Meals

If you are a parent you have probably struggled at some point with a child that does’t want to eat. It is an incredibly frustrating experience that prompts a lot of questions. Will my child grow properly? Why is this happening to my child? And what can I do about it?

Children are fussy eaters for a variety of reasons. A certain amount of this fussiness is normal toddler behavior. One day they may eat a lot, another day they may just poke and prod at their food and eat very little. If your child’s picky eating seems extreme you may want to consult with your pediatrician to rule out any medical issues. Ask yourself if there is any additional stress in the home that may be contributing to the problem. Also consider your own nutrition and approach to food. Are you doing all that you can to cook, prepare and eat nutritious meals with the whole family?

When kids resist eating, it is easy for power struggles to ensue. I recommend treading lightly and trying to avoid these battles around food. If your child doesn’t want to eat, there is no good way to force the issue. You can try, but things may get much worse. Making progress is more a matter of using persuasion, coaxing, finding non-coercive strategies and modeling how to eat well.

To reduce the tension, I try to have a nonchalant approach to food with kids. I go out of my way to avoid struggles and battles. In fact I want them to feel that they are in control of how much they eat and what they choose, which is empowering . An important goal is to have children eat what is being served at the table. If the tone is relaxed and everyone is savoring the food and enjoying the conversation, kids are more apt to follow. If your child is not eating one night, assume they will eat the next.

One way to reduce struggles and also model healthy food habits is to think carefully about what you keep in the home. If there is no junk food around you don’t have to worry about limiting how much they eat and having to say no all of the time. You can give your child almost everything that is in the house, because it is all healthy.

But what can you do if your child is super picky?

Here are some ideas to try:

1. Eat meals together as a family. Modeling a love of good, nutritious food is the most effective way to teach healthy eating habits. Make meals a special time to be together. Enjoy the conversation.

2. Cook together. Involving your child in the preparation and cooking of food helps foster curiosity. Let your child taste, stir, mix and explain what you are doing as you cook your meals. Or set up your child’s play kitchen alongside the real one to cook pretend food.

3. Avoid power struggles. Try to keep the tone at the table positive, light and worry-free. You may want to overlook some of the negative behaviors. Let your child decide if he wants to eat or not eat.

4. Keep an open mind. You will be surprised what your child will eat. Don’t have preconceived ideas of what your child will have. Serve a wide variety of food every day with the expectation that it will be eaten. If it’s not eaten today, perhaps tomorrow. You just never know.

5. Make eating fun, creative, playful and entertaining. Serve foods that have interesting shapes and colors. Put candles at the table. Use interesting paper plates. Tell stories. The possibilities are endless, so do what will intrigue and capture your child’s imagination.

6. Have some food items on the plate that serve as an appetizer that you know your child will eat. But also put the rest of the meal beside it with the expectation that it will be eaten as well.

Remember, stay relaxed, enjoy the process, and have faith that your child will embrace a wider range of healthy food. Good luck.

For more tips on feeding picky eaters, read this article from Dr. Sears.

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Does My Child Have ADHD?

Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder is a disorder that is almost exactly what it sounds. It is when children (and adults) are inattentive, hyperactive or impulsive causing significant life problems. Some with ADHD only have problems with inattention. Others only struggle with hyperactivity, and some have issues with both.

ADHD is a disorder usually first diagnosed in childhood. If you are a parent and are concerned that your child may have ADHD, here are a few things to consider and some information on how to seek out appropriate help.

To be diagnosed in childhood, symptoms of inattention or hyperactivity must occur before the age of seven. Also symptoms must occur in another location besides home; usually at school. If you are concerned that your child may have ADHD I recommend that you seek out help immediately. Here are a few ideas for how to access resources for diagnosing the problem and finding treatment.

If your child is in school you may request an evaluation from your school psychologist. I also recommend that you communicate with the teacher to compare notes and talk about concerns. If there is a counselor at school you may consider initiating counseling.

Outside the school there are also resources. Talk with your pediatrician about your concerns. Or have your child seen by a psychiatrist, preferably one that specializes in children. Both a pediatrician and psychiatrist are able to prescribe medication for ADHD, although some pediatricians are more comfortable doing this than others.

You may be asked to complete some assessment tools to help a physician diagnose ADHD. These comprise of written questions to be answered by a parent, and one other adult who has viewed the child in a setting outside the home (such as a teacher). These questions are really helpful for diagnosing ADHD and help bring objectivity to the evaluation because they gather data from two different settings. Also, because behaviors such as inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity can happen for a variety of reasons, the assessment tools help rule out other disorders and issues.

Finally, I encourage you to seek out help in diagnosing this disorder if you have concerns about your child. As a parent you know your child the best and can become a strong advocate for getting help. ADHD makes it very difficult for children to thrive, especially in school. So intervening early will make all the difference.

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Setting Limits with Children

Setting limits with children is a necessary part of being a parent. After all we can’t simply let our kids do everything that they want. Some things they want to do are unsafe and not good for them. The limits we provide help give kids structure to their lives, socialize, learn good behavior and feel a sense of security that they are being cared for.

Despite the fact that they need them, it is in a child’s nature to push against these limits. Your kids will test you; they have an urge to do what they are not allowed to do. They want to know if “no” really means “no”. They are curious about your reactions when they disobey. My guess is that much of limit-testing is; one part being playful, one part experimentation and another part getting a thrill at the negative attention. Unfortunately if misbehavior becomes defiance parents can easily become involved in full-fledged power struggles.

Setting limits is not easy. Far from black and white, setting rules, structure and limits requires constant creative decision-making. Also, as your kids grow your limits will have to adapt and change. You will no longer need some limits, ease up on others and invent new ones to address new behaviors. As parents you have unique styles for setting limits. They will reflect your values, your upbringing and your expectations for your child’s behavior.

It is worth reflecting on how you set limits and rules. How do you feel doing it? Does one spouse do the heavy-lifting in the family? Do you feel anxiety when your son cries, or throws a tantrum? It is often hard to face a storm of protest, cries, whining and outright refusal. But these limits are important and teach children an important rule of life; that they must learn to regulate their emotions, impulses and desires to learn to live peacefully with those around them.

Here are a few things to consider about setting limits…

– Young children will cry, scream, whine and tantrum sometimes when they don’t get what they want. This is no reason to let up. Stand firm and know your limits are important.

– That being said, try some different tactics to diffuse the tantrum. Is there a way to involve some choice in your limit? “Do you want mom or dad to change your diaper?”

-As children get older you can be more direct with them; you build trust when you let them know your reasons for setting a limit in a way they can understand.

-Think about how you can enforce your limits before you set them. With a young child you can still pick them up and bring them somewhere if they refuse to budge. As they get older (and bigger) you will want to think strategically about your limits. Can you enforce them in the moment? If not you may let them know what consequences will happen later if they do not comply now.

-The more positives you have in your relationship with your child, the easier it will be to set limits. Spending high quality time with your children is the best antidote to power struggles and limit-testing.

-When your child is misbehaving try to “read her mind”: What is going on? Hungry, tired, upset about something? This will help you begin to solve the problem and set the right limits.

-Structure and routines really help. Once your child realizes that brushing teeth happens every day, you may lessen the struggles as he adjusts to the routine.

-Sometimes you state a limit and realize that the fight is not worth it. It is o.k. to give in sometimes (when the limit is not too serious). Your energy is limited, save it for the important ones.

-Is your child beginning to engage in a lot of power struggles? You may want to look for ways to empower him when you are not in struggle mode. Can he be given an important new task to take charge of? When he does well give him good feedback. He may need to know he is powerful in positive ways.

On a Final Note

One definition for mischievous is: “showing a fondness for causing trouble in a playful way”. This is what being a child is all about. Sometimes it is fun to enjoy your child’s mischievous side, even making a game out of it. Though limits are important, there is a wonderful spark in children that wants to push and pull at the rules; this is the same spark that adults use to become highly creative and innovative . I wish you the best of luck with this difficult parenting task.

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Are Bedtimes a Problem? How To Have a Smoother Night

Whether simply stalling, or engaging in full-fledged power struggles, children often resist going to bed at night. This can turn bedtimes into a stressful time for both child and parent. If this transition is becoming a source of conflict, here are a few things to consider;

1. Routine.
Bedtime routines really help children get ready for sleep. About an hour before, find a series of steps and rituals that signal to your child that bedtime is approaching. The specific rituals are not so important, but easing children into their bedtime routine helps wind them down. This hour before bed is also a great time for parents and children to do something special. Reading books together, snuggling in bed while watching T.V. or anything else that brings you together will create a positive experience and decrease the misbehavior when going to sleep.

2. Dim the lights.
As you go through the bedtime routine begin to lower the lights; another signal that communicates to the body that it is time to sleep.

3. Slow things down.
The closer you get to bedtime the less active your routine can become. Perhaps you begin with brushing teeth and putting on pajamas, move to reading a book together and end with a back rub with the lights turned down.

4. Provide warnings and set limits
You may have to provide some warnings that bedtime is approaching and also set limits about how many bedtime activities are allowed. When kids are stalling you will want to remind them of how many minutes left until they go to bed.

5. Enjoy the process.
Perhaps the most important part of this. The more you enjoy the bedtime ritual, the easier it will be to reduce the power struggles. If you are rushing to get them down so you can finish up a project, you may find their resistance increases. If you find yourself becoming embroiled in a power struggle, take a breath and relax. See if you can maintain your enjoyment of the process. The less you react to the stalling and attention-getting, the less they will be inclined to misbehave.

6. When all else fails, take a break.
If you get to the breaking point and cannot continue without becoming angry or frustrated, it may be time to change things up. Can your spouse takeover and give you some relief? If no one is there to help, maybe stop trying. This may seem counter-intuitive, as if you have lost. But if you have established a good bedtime ritual, which works almost every night, there is no harm in breaking it once in a while. You may find that in a half hour you have taken a break, feel recharged, and your child is more ready to sleep.

Some Bed Time Rituals

Brushing teeth
Putting on pajamas
Reading a book together
Watching t.v. together
Playing a game
Getting clothes ready for tomorrow
Back / head rubs
Preparing the bed together
Telling a story
Having a special bedtime animal, blanket or pillow

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Reaching out for Help

What do you do when children of yours begin to show signs that they are in real trouble? They may be withdrawing, acting erratically or becoming extremely defiant. Behaviors may become so bad that you worry for their safety. As a parent, if you are beginning to feel helpless and overwhelmed about your child’s situation it is time to get some help. Sometimes just making the decision to reach out can alleviate some of the tension and sense of helplessness that you feel.

When behavior becomes a safety risk it is important to take action right away. In almost every city there is a mental health crisis team that can evaluate and assess children struggling with suicide, homicide, or extreme mental illness. Often they are available to come to your home 24-hours a day. Another option is to take your child to the nearest emergency room to be evaluated there. See local Santa Barbara Country Resources.

If the crisis is not so acute, it is still important to seek out help. Involving an objective healthcare professional, such as a therapist or doctor can really help. Having someone who is a trained listener can help your family express feelings about the situation. A professional is also able to assess the risk and make recommendations for how to resolve the crisis.

The best thing about a crisis is that it allows a family to address a situation that has been building for some time. Crisis symptoms such as rebellion, running away, depression, suicidal thoughts and cutting are all forms of communication that a child is feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by some aspect of their lives. Remember that there are resources to help.

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